For These Things We Pray...

Tomorrow morning, my husband will present himself at the hospital for an MRI of his brain. He has had recurrent, persistent symptoms for the last six months, as well as recent new ones. We have to get to the bottom of what this is, no matter how scary the answer will be. My husband is extremely worried. I think at this point I'm beyond worried, I just want to know.

My husband likes for me to scratch his head when he is trying to relax and fall asleep. So as I was just lying next to him scratching his head my thoughts turned to prayer. My prayers were this: Please give him comfort in his fear. Calm his heart. Give him courage to face the results, give him strength. Give him acceptance. It occurred to me that I did not ask for healing. As that realization came over me, my next thought was, "Thy will be done."

It brought me back to 17 years ago as I was lying in a hospital bed getting ready to deliver a baby that would die as soon as he was delivered. I was in preterm labor, had passed the point of no return. Labor could not be stopped, but the baby was too early to be viable. My body betrayed me as I pushed out this baby into the world before he was able to live in it.

I prayed fervently that day. My prayers were for strength, for faith, for acceptance, for grace. Never once did I pray for him not to be born, or not to die. I prayed that God would lift me up and comfort me and help me through what was to come.

A week after burying our son Anthony, I returned to work. I was a wreck, but I couldn't just sit at home any more. One of my coworkers, whose husband was a minister, informed me that the reason my baby died was that I didn't pray hard enough. In my fragile mental state, I immediately started feeling guilty. Maybe she was right. Why didn't I pray for healing for my baby? Why didn't I pray for a different outcome?

It is said that tragedy is often a turning point for faith. Faith will be strengthened, or a person will turn from their faith. In my son's very very short life, he helped me define my faith. I will put my trust in God. I do not expect him to take away the pain, but I rely on Him to guide me through it, and to give me strength along the way.

And so, I pray for my husband. For peace, for comfort, for strength. And I humbly ask for you to keep us in your prayers, as well.